Dat's what i should do..i think right now. I dunno...i have been feeling rather paranoid for no reason, emotional for the unnecessary, the non-eating part, the endless fever, the confusion of school starting, the mixed feelings for certain friends, the ups-and-downs of life settings etc...

See my thinking daily is never ending. No wonder i get sick and NO WONDER they say i look much older. But that's just the way i am. A normal person always think positively ahead but for me it's always the negative first. Maybe i have been disappointed a lot of times in life, too many times in fact that's why negative thinking always strikes me first. Thing is, if i think positively, the thing i want just never seem to happen. It sucks. Then when i start thinking the negative stuffs, a whole lotta good things seem to go the way i want it to...just that it's all said deep in my heart. Know what i mean?

I have come to learn, sadly at 24 that in life, nothing you plan can come true. Nothing you wish might be granted and nothing you dream of might come alive. It has happen to me, right before my eyes so how can i not believe this statement to be oh-so-true. What others said to me was right. I should start taking serious consideration.

"Move on ShaSha. Why are you still stuck here? Do something...."

Yeah...thing is i know i want to but the harder i try the harder i seem to fall. Is it even supposed to be like this? The only comfort and place i seek solace to is Him above. He makes me calm and sooths my heart whenever i utter my prayers in silence at night. I know he listens. Though nothing is being shown yet, just like how i have prayed of, i feel peaceful. And i guess, that's all that matters now.

I am sick and it has been for the past 3 days. Fever and flu. Haiz..With school starting and just round the corner, i can't afford all these sickness and gibberish talking. I need to buck up. I have been feeling down again, i know. Give me time. I know that i have neglect a buncha friends on the other side....but i am just not ready yet. Not ready to mingle all over again and laugh over my once favourite Raspberry Frappucino at Starbucks or sipping Hot Chocolate at Coffee Bean. I am not the same ShaSha you guys once knew of. I am now dull, lonely and liveless. A living dead doll. I admit i have lost some sparkles and sunshine and even laughter that i was so famous for. I am lost. When i walk crowded streets at times, i feel broken. You can't hear my heart crack but i do coz it's me feeling all of these. Hence the reason why i take a cab every single night from work. I just don't want to be remided of the memories which i so badly wish to erase and what is worst right now is to bump into you-know-who.

I thank every1 of you for being here. If i mention names, i might forget to include some others, so it's best to say ALL. I love you guys...but i am now just plain ShaSha. I need time for the old ShaSha to come back. It might be a year, mite be longer. It all depends on me at the end of the day. True words are easier said than done. Imagine yourself in my shoe. Just for 5 mins if not for a whole day.

"A girl who found friendship in 1 person, trusted and gave her all, gave up everything just to be happy only to have her heart broken into pieces."

That sums me up. Not everyone know how simple minded i am. I am very much into things money can't buy - LOVE AND JOY, HAPPINESS, LAUGHTER AND SMILES.

I love being that way. Like i have said before. I wish my life would be as simple as i make it sound to be. I crave love back and i badly crave the need of being hug each night. Have someone to call when there is no one or write secret letters daily to each other. I was sucha kid, a love mad kid. Now i am just forlorn. Whatever that is. I am 24...finding someone again, someone new and someone to trust for years is going to be so so so hard. For i believe LOVE only happens once in a lifetime.

Will i be able to do that for this new person if he comes along? Will i be able to open my heart again? I am so scared i am not able to. I want to move on....but it hasn't been easy.

And honestly speaking, hearing news that your own best friend getting married next year in this kinda time has definitely not been easy at all. Having to cope with pure heartbreak is one thing, and having to smile and share the good news happily is another. Of coz i am happy for her. Just think how Holly felt in PS I LOVE YOU when her best friend got married when her husband died just months?? I am feeling like that somehow. Happy but lost in some ways.

Haiz...when can i stop sighing and grow up??? -_-

Too much nonsense stated here huh?